Guilt

Guilt usually rules my life. I feel guilty all the time. (Im writing, probably, during the worst week of the month....if you catch my drift. Everything seems to be exaggerated) Back to guilt. I feel guilty that Im not a better mother, that my house isnt cleaner, that I maybe get dinner on the table 3 nights a week (new years resolution, January was rough, but I have a good feeling about February) I feel guilty that Ive been forgetting to feed my poor car, that I have a bill sitting here from 3 weeks ago, that I spent 4x the clothing budget in January, all amazing deals ya know, but still.... I feel guilty if I miss my brothers birthday party that's an hour away, I feel guilty if I go... The guilt never ends, and I have no solution to learning to happily live with it, so if thats why youre reading, you can quit now, this is simply a call out to the universe that Im tired of the guilt! I really did think growing up, that I would LOVE to have a bunch of littles. at least 5 or 6. I loved growing up in a big family, but the guilt that consumes me for not being a better mom to the 2 that I have is almost more then I can bear, but then will I feel guilty for NOT have more? I mean, in theory, I really want one more baby. I want to be pregnant one more time. I want to hold my husbands hand while we welcome a new person into the world one more time. I want to hold, and smell, and bathe, and dress one more tiny human being. But not now. Im tired now, I dont feel a lot of flow in my life, its like Im trying to put it all together all the time. Now, for those of you that will tell me that I just need to let loose. To worry less about the mess in the kitchen, or bedroom, or the lack of organization we seem to have in each room, it is not that simple. how do you just make feelings go away? Also, Im selfish. I require some quiet, alone time EVERY day, usually filled by catching up on my latest show and folding laundry or eating popcorn. It seems I crave that. (Which makes me feel guilty) Do you see how this never ends?! I am happy. I love my husband. He has never once mentioned to me the dirty house, or lack of dinner. He smiles, and hugs me. He takes the kiddos out, and does numberless projects with them and for our new house. My babies are not hard babies. They are your typical 5 and 1 year olds. They are sweet, and funny, and all they want is to play, read, do science experiments, go to the park, make rubber band bracelets, make treats, help with the dishes...I mean, really good kiddos. I love them dearly, and that last sentence made me miss them, just while writing this post. I guess thats how I know I love being a mom. My kids are good kids, and they will never need or WANT me around more then they do right now. So I guess Im going to go read to them. Until my next post...