Guilt

Guilt usually rules my life. I feel guilty all the time. (Im writing, probably, during the worst week of the month....if you catch my drift. Everything seems to be exaggerated) Back to guilt. I feel guilty that Im not a better mother, that my house isnt cleaner, that I maybe get dinner on the table 3 nights a week (new years resolution, January was rough, but I have a good feeling about February) I feel guilty that Ive been forgetting to feed my poor car, that I have a bill sitting here from 3 weeks ago, that I spent 4x the clothing budget in January, all amazing deals ya know, but still.... I feel guilty if I miss my brothers birthday party that's an hour away, I feel guilty if I go... The guilt never ends, and I have no solution to learning to happily live with it, so if thats why youre reading, you can quit now, this is simply a call out to the universe that Im tired of the guilt! I really did think growing up, that I would LOVE to have a bunch of littles. at least 5 or 6. I loved growing up in a big family, but the guilt that consumes me for not being a better mom to the 2 that I have is almost more then I can bear, but then will I feel guilty for NOT have more? I mean, in theory, I really want one more baby. I want to be pregnant one more time. I want to hold my husbands hand while we welcome a new person into the world one more time. I want to hold, and smell, and bathe, and dress one more tiny human being. But not now. Im tired now, I dont feel a lot of flow in my life, its like Im trying to put it all together all the time. Now, for those of you that will tell me that I just need to let loose. To worry less about the mess in the kitchen, or bedroom, or the lack of organization we seem to have in each room, it is not that simple. how do you just make feelings go away? Also, Im selfish. I require some quiet, alone time EVERY day, usually filled by catching up on my latest show and folding laundry or eating popcorn. It seems I crave that. (Which makes me feel guilty) Do you see how this never ends?! I am happy. I love my husband. He has never once mentioned to me the dirty house, or lack of dinner. He smiles, and hugs me. He takes the kiddos out, and does numberless projects with them and for our new house. My babies are not hard babies. They are your typical 5 and 1 year olds. They are sweet, and funny, and all they want is to play, read, do science experiments, go to the park, make rubber band bracelets, make treats, help with the dishes...I mean, really good kiddos. I love them dearly, and that last sentence made me miss them, just while writing this post. I guess thats how I know I love being a mom. My kids are good kids, and they will never need or WANT me around more then they do right now. So I guess Im going to go read to them. Until my next post...

Not to brag, but...

I love my sweet husband, I am filled this week for gratitude for him. He simply makes life easier, and more enjoyable. He made the most incredible treasure box for me this weekend. He enjoys working with his hands. Building things. He spent the better part of saturday working on this darling treasure box for me and I love it. My most treasured treasures will go in there.
We are battling the never ending runny noses over here. MEH.
I've looked forward to writing all week but it dont feel much like writing this moment. Thats too bad, ive felt like I've had a lot to say this week. Maybe tomorrow-

Dear Diary

Im watching Vampire Diaries right now and the girl that writes every day always writes "Dear Diary" thought I'd try it. I'm not sure its me-
Today is a grumpy post. I have 2 complaints. 1st- Why isnt it MANDATORY that every restaurant have a changing table in their bathrooms!? WHY?! Do they not know how miserable it is to try an change a child in a restaurant without one, AND do restaurant managers and owners really think that a mother will never need to change a child's diaper in their establishment?? I did actually change my baby girls diaper on the seat of my bench in the dining room of  a restaurant that had no changing table to spare her from the bathroom floor (which i have also done before) and I DONT regret it one bit.
2nd- I understand the universe works very intricately. I actually appreciate it's great depth most of the time, but why I have to feel so blue one week of EVERY month is beyond me. I think its completely terrible. Thats all I have to say about that subject-

holding hands and crying babies

It's 8:42pm on Sunday January 4th- for any Downton watchers you are probably wondering what I am doing writing?! well, my baby is screaming for me. right next to my room. Ive spent the majority of the day entertaining, feeding, reading, cleaning, bathing these two darlings of mine, hoping that by 7:55pm they would be worn out enough to have a peaceful bedtime. WRONG- It probably sounds funny reading it, but I am actually getting more frustrated by the minute. After returning to my baby girls room after letting her cry for 15 minutes to rock her and sing more songs, and repeat to her over and over that its sleep time and watch her nod her head, she lays down, and lets me rub her back, she holds my hand (which by the way is the only silver lining of my missing my show- my only request for the day) I sneak out and she's back to screaming. I am sure it is ONLY because I so desperately wanted to have sleeping babies at 8pm that I do not- Back to her holding my hand. (if I cant get myself to write about a tender moment, because thats how grumpy I am) I reached between the slats of her crib to rub her tiny hand. I dont feel that way most days now, she's growing- all the time! I constantly feel like she is bigger then 5 minutes before, but not tonight. not as she lays bundled up in her bed. her tiny hand- her little fingers grab mine, and I could almost sit there forever. While Im a little grumpy, okay a lot, that she's still screaming, yes, even at the end of this post, I'm grateful for the one sweet moment. I did, actually, enjoy today. We read a million books, and played candy land. Josh and Henry built a lego city, and we enjoyed dinner together as a family. It was a good day- Here's to hoping little miss falls asleep SOON!

Welcome 2105

Hi, It's me again. Just have 2 minutes before I need to get up and get the house cleaned. Its a war zone here. Well, a new year has begun. So many thoughts going through my mind as one year comes to an end and another begins. We purchased our first little home in bountiful, UT, and have greatly enjoyed our two littles. Lovey and I seem to be more in sync then we ever have. We love each and a can enjoy our similarities as well as differences. Henry has become a big handsome 5 year old that enjoys school, and his friends. He loves to play sports, and legos. He's a fantastic helper and loves to spend ANY time he can with his dad. Millicent will be 2 in just a matter of months now! She is such a darling baby girl, but really not a baby any more. Its a great thing that we can watch a child grow and develop so we dont have to dwell on them not staying tiny- I do miss my tiny babies. She is talking like crazy now. You wouldn't believe all the words and sentences she works on. She LOVES her babies, and blankies, and binkies, and of course her brother. She's a girly girl in almost every way.
As a new year begins these are some of my goals. It seems the trend this year is not setting goals. Some friends have a 'WORD' for the year, and some are simply just going to do without- This year, I do have goals though. Im sharing so they are documented, and I can see how far I have come physically, spiritually and emotionally this time next year.
1-read BOM365 each day- It isnt much, but almost perfect for a busy mommy
2-Workout 4 times a week
3- Eat Healthy- More fruits, veggies, and whole grains. No Soda, and Junk- Well, 2 cheats a week.And stay within my grocery budget while trying new meals!
4-Get to my goal weight by my birthday (2/21) and keep that weight!
its not so much about the actual weight as it is feeling confident and healthy. I am not choosing an unrealistic number, in fact its still over the recommended weight for my height, but it's a feel good number for me.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Hello Old Friend-

Ive recently had the hankering to write. Im not sure why really, I believe it started with having one day last week that I felt like good mom. Just moments really, not an entire day, but for many moments on one day last week I had several good mom moments. I spent time with my babies. I read with them, and played candy land with them. I did science experiments with my handsome 5 year old. It was a good day. Most days I feel more guilt for lack of progress then actual progress. I read blogs of moms my age where they show off adorable homes, kids, and wardrobes, or perfect finance practices or beautiful bodies, with great ideas on eating perfectly healthy with great workout routines, and most days I actually believe that all these women's lives are perfect. I kinda feel that way today, but deep down, I know, like me, they have their rough moments, but no one show those. I mean, it's mentioned in casual passing between all the perfect moments shown, but my reality is that those perfect moments are the ones that are brief- those are the ones that are mentioned in casual passing between all the rough moments. I seem to have it backwards in life. I am not a pessimist though. In fact I am very happy, and have a very blessed life. I am married to a wonderful man who adores his children and me- we have a darling home, and health on our side. Aside from all the wonderful, each day is filled with guilt, sticky fingers, multiple outfit changes, sticky floors, tantrums, terrible cooking, "NO!'s", wet, moldy laundry and more- I dont love every moment of it like mothers seem to claim, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I am grateful, most days, maybe more then half, to be home raising these incredible, and naughty, at times, children that I brought into this world, and the point of my writing tonight is that I am grateful for the good mom moments I have, because the truth is, I feel like I am so hard on my babies. I forget sometimes that they are just 1 and 5, and my expectations of them need to fit their ages, and not mine. I need to not wish time away, but rather, enjoy playing candy land for the umpteenth time in one day. I love my babies. I love my home, and my sweet, hardworking, talented husband- I hate that I feel so guilty, and I hate that Im not a great cook, but as my mom would say it- if those are my biggest problems in life, I have a lot to be grateful for. Here's to more messes tomorrow. May heaven help me-

Sweet sweet summer -

Henry and Daddy napping together - I remember this day. It was a Saturday, and sweet Millicent was sleeping in her crib- All my favorite people napping at the same time! (I got soooo much done! :))

My littles and I were invited up to visit with Brother and Sister Sowby - We were lucky enough to have them as institute teachers in DC while they were serving their mission there. Well, now they are home in American Fork, and we were blessed to visit. Sister Sowby provided a wonderful lunch, entertained Henry in her amazing 'under the stairs children's kitchen' and gave us tour of her new, beautiful home. What a wonderful visit!

Brother Sowby, and sweet Millicent - It seems she just adored him

Millicent waiting in the front seat of our car for Daddy to come runnin' down the canyon!

This is a terrible picture because the flash on my camera is currently broken, but I just couldnt pass up the moment....

She has not yet outgrown this blanket on the face way of sleeping......